This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Go to BabaMail
