My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
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