You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.