I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
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