My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
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