My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
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