Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”