What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.