What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
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