What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”