A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
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