Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
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