Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
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