“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.