Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter