What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
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