A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
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