A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.