Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
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