What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
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