Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
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