If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
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