My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
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