What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
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