Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
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