Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Go to BabaMail
