Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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