I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.