Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
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