The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
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