Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
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