What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
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