Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
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