If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.