I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.