My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
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