What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
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