I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
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