My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
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