My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
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