Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
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