A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
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