My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
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