I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Go to BabaMail
