Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Go to BabaMail
