Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
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