My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
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