My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
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