What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.