Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
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