Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
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