I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
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