What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
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