Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.