Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Rebel without a Claus.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
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