Dialysis is a blood bath.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Dublin over in laughter.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
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