Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
"Aloe you vera much."
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
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