One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
I followed my heart to you.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
You have goat to be kidding me.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
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