Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Birch, please.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Make it rein.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Burst into cheers!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
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