You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Girls just wanna have sun.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Yule be sorry.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
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