I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
"No body won the skeleton race."
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
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