What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
People are always after me lucky charms.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
I beg your garden?
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
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