Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
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