A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
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