Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
You better beer-live it!
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
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