Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
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