Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
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