Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
I “lub” you.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
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