Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
It's lit.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Long time no sea.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
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