My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
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