How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
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