What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Owl always love you.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
We make a great pear
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Keep calm and carrot on.
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