My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
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