My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
I love you a tot!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
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