Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
"No eggs-cuses."
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
You’re my pot of gold.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
I think I found my perfect match
Dublin’ the fun.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
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