Fall is a-maize-ing.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
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