What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Summer is just floating by.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
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