What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Football is one habit I will never kick
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Goat milk?
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
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