Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
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