My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I only have ice for you.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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