Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
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