I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
We bee-long together.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
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