My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
He’s my pinch charming.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
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