Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
He threw three free throws.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
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