The goal nine yards
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Beer-lieve it or not!
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
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