What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Better read than dead.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Can I be Candide with you?
"Eggs love you."
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
You’re my soul Santa.
It's lit.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
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