Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
"Alcohol you later."
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
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