If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Resting Grinch face.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
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