What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Metaphors be with you.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
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