How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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