An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
"You round me out." — High Card Band
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
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