I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
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