I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
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