For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
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