How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
You’re my heartthrob.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Call me on the shellphone.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Don't fork-get your manners.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
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