What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
That look soots you.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I can heartly wait to see you.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
“You’re my soul Santa.”
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
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