What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
You raise the bar.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
It’s party thyme.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
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