What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
You're my purr-son.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Sleigh, what?!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
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