Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
I think you're mer-mazing.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
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