Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
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