I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Summer is just floating by.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
“You’re my soul Santa.”
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
All clover the world.
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