My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
You mermaid to go far.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
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