I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
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