Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
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