My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
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