Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.