My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
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