I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
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