I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
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