What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
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