My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
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