How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
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