I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
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