I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language