I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."