What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
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