My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”