What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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