I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.