what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
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