I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
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