My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
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