The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
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