Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
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